Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from New York takes aim and shoots a duck.But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."
The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."
"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

***

Bob gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. "I'm going to help you out," says the police officer. "Give me a good excuse and I won't write you a ticket."
"Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop," Bob explains. "So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back."

***

A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. "Li Kai Yang Qi guan," says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li Kai Yang Qi Guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath.
Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li Kai Yang Qi Guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."

***

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." 
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." 
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision." 

***

"Hurry up or we'll be late!" shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class.
"What's the rush?" a tot asks coolly.
"If we're late, we'll miss your next class!" the teacher reminds him.
The kid shrugs. "If you're in such a hurry, go on without us."

***

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

***

The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Dave.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Brooklyn Dave says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the 
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top 
and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's 
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Dave replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the 
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

***

A Brooklyn woman wishes to get a tatoo and ask the tech to tatoo pictures of Roberto Duran the inner portion of her thigh near her crotch. She also ask that on the other leg, the tech tatoo the picture of Oscar De La Hoya; and adds “when I rub my thighs togetha they can fight over whats in between.” After the tatoo tech finishes his job he ask her for $100 bucks. She looks at the tatoos and says, “this does not look like Duran and that does not look like De La Hoya!” She refuses to pay him. He takes her to small claims court. On the court date, the judge ask to look at the evidence. Because of the tatoos are in such a private area, he calls the woman into his chambers. She shows the judge her tatoos and the judge says, “you know, this does not look anything at all like Duran, and that looks nothing at all like De la Hoya, but the one in the middle is without question, “Don King!”

***

Obama and the Jews

President Obama calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression: 'Vus tut zich?' which in Yiddish means, 'What's happening?' They just ask each other, and they know everything.'"
The president can't believe a network is that good and decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. 
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, long grayish beard) is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood. 
Within three minutes a little old man comes shuffling along. 
The president stops him and whispers, "Vus tut zich?"
The old guy whispers back "Obama is in Brooklyn."

***